Straight from a 4 Year Old

My wife just sent me this link to a site where a man is letting people send random questions to his four year old son and he'll type, without editing, the answers back. Some of these things are hilarious! For example:

Q: "Now that you are one year older, what do you wish you knew when you were 3?"
A: "I wish I knew how to flip over. Actually I already knew that. Never mind, I already knew that."

Q: "Heya Kid, why do earthquakes happen? I mean, what's down there?"
A: "I think there's just meteorites that streaked and hit other meteorites back and forth and then I think it stops."

Q: "What's the scariest thing ever?"
A: "A green man changing into aliens who can shoot things out of his mouth and throw up and the throw up can turn into guns and start shooting people."

Q: "If you had a whole day to do whatever you wanted, anywhere in the world, how would you spend it?"
A: "I would be the king! And I would kill everybody else except my family."

So yeah, clearly some of them get a little dark, but still. Really fun to see what a kid says to random questions. Enjoy!

The Christmas Spirit

Cracked.com has the most unintentionally disturbing Christmas Ads. I copied a few of my favorites over here.


I don't know what's more disturbing. The nipple-woman or the fact that evidently Santa just hanged himself.



Nothing says "Christmas" like a threesome.



I don't even know where to start with this one. What the hell happened to this woman?



It's not enough that the holidays generally see an increase in suicides - but now we need to provide the means? Looking into this one a bit more, evidently this advertisement came out during the Great Depression. Good timing.



Drunk Santa doesn't care about the cold. Good man.

Life as a Kelmelis

Over last weekend, my brother and sister-in-law took Laura, LeeAnn and me out to the Melting Pot for dinner - it was a Christmas present from last year. Every year they do something really nice for the siblings to all enjoy together. It's a lot of fun to spend a night out on the town with them. One year it was Eric and I enjoying a trip to Baltimore together. Last year, the two of them took Laura and me to sushi and a show.

So this year we arrive at the Melting Pot on the day after Thanksgiving. It's a bit crowded and they fit the five of us at a table that, frankly, is designed for four people. Plus it's right under the speakers for the music. None of us can hear each other, see each other, or pull our arms above the table to reach the fondue. So we decide we're going to ask for a new table before it gets too unbearable.

Eric heads back to the front to let them know our pain. The guy says, "Okay, I think we've got another table coming up soon." Eric looks around and spots a nice spacious round table that's clear and says, "I think we'd like that one." The guy looks at what Eric's pointing at and says, "Oh, that's an eight person table," and then shows Eric a different, much smaller one. Eric shakes his head and says, "No. I think we do want the other one instead." The guy looks at Eric a moment while Eric keeps a straight face, and then says, "Okay, we'll get you that one."

It's not the first time Eric's lived a charmed life. On the way to the Redskins game on Sunday, a car pulled up to his and said, "Do you guys need a parking pass? We have two and we only have one car." The parking pass in question? Platnium parking. Right in front of the stadium.

He's also managed to land not one but four hotel rooms at a hotel that was booked solid (or so they say) for a mistake in booking that he had made. When the man at the desk told him there was nothing he could do, Eric just said, "No, that's not going to work for me." There was a long silence, then the guy said, "Maybe I should get the manager?" and Eric agreed, "That sounds like the right thing to do here." Sure enough, the manager came out with four keys for him and his friends.

It's good to be a Kelmelis.

Turns Out Joss Whedon Is Funny... Who Knew?

So if you missed the news, there's evidently going to be a new Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie coming out. Only it's not going to have Joss involved at all. Entertainment Weekly asked Joss for his opinion. You can follow this link to see the article about it, or if you're too lazy, just read Joss' response below.

Kristin, I'm glad you asked for my thoughts on the announcement of Buffy the cinema film. This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths—just because they can't think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself.

Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, "Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER." Apparently I was misinformed. Then I thought, "I'll make a mint! This is worth more than all my Toy Story residuals combined!" Apparently I am seldom informed of anything. And possibly a little slow. But seriously, are vampires even popular any more?

I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don't love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I'm also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can't wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I'm making a Batman movie. Because there's a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for The Dark Knight Rises Way Earlier Than That Other One And Also More Cheaply And In Toronto, rebooting into a theater near you.

Leave me to my pain! Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

So What Did Happen...?

So what exactly did happen after Star Wars? Why didn't Mark Hamill get any more movie roles? I know he did a lot of voice work, and that's awesome, but did he just want to walk away from movies after the whole Star Wars thing, or did he not get many other offers?

Fun With Graphs

Evidently there's a website out there where the guys just puts up tons of funny graphs about truths we hold self-evident. Here are a few for a laugh. Enjoy!

Sure They're Fun, but Backwards???

Laura and I started playing a game over email today. We take plots of movies we've seen and try to describe what they're like if you've seen them backwards. It started with a couple of T-Shirts I saw.




So far we've got some pretty funny ones.

If you watch Titanic backwards its about a bunch of People Popsicles who thaw out and get on a boat and have a party. (Laura)

If you watch The Wizard of Oz backwards I think its actually sort of the same movie - Dorothy is happy in Kansas and magically arrives in Oz and gets scared out of her wits and goes back to Kansas where she realizes that Kansas isn't so great. (Laura)

If you watch Memento backwards it... makes sense. (me)

If you watch Schindler's List backwards its uplifting. (Laura)

If you watch the Major League backwards, a team of misfits hits a slump and stops playing together very well until finally the manager fires them all because she wants to move the team to a different state. Oh, and they put all the clothes back on a life-sized picture of her as the season progresses. (me)

If you watch Shawn of the Dead backwards, a bunch of undead people die and rise again as living people, swarming the planet. (me)

If you watch Fight Club backwards all the credit card companies blow up which causes a dude with a split personality to become sane and get a job at an accident appraisal company. (Laura)

If you watch Pocahontas or Avatar backwards, two lovers from different worlds decide that a bird really can't love a fish and they break up. (Laura)

If you watch Lord of the Rings backwards they find a ring in some lava, rescue it, and spend 3 movies trying to give it back to another guy who found it who gets saner the longer he wears it who then looses the ring again and a golem finds it and becomes a hobbit the longer he wears it, who then loses it and another guy finds it and becomes King the longer he wears it, who then loses it and the ring turns into a puddle of goo. (Laura)

To the other trilogy, Star Wars, a good man becomes evil and has an intense fight with one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy, but the powerful Jedi ends up going into hiding after that. Darth Vader rips apart the galaxy looking for the Jedi who has skipped around several places. Then he forgets the Jedi existed and just concentrates on consolidating power for his Emperor. He finds one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy, has a big fight with him, and then becomes good. (me)

If you watch Back to the Future backwards (yet another trilogy) a brilliant scientist falls out of love and miraculously travels forward in time from the old west to the 90s where he meets a kid who likes to skateboard and hangout with him, he then finds a time machine and decides to send the kid to the future but it seems that somehow the kids evil uncle has stolen an almanac and become rich so the kid finds out that he did it in the 50s, goes back in time and stops him from doing that, but he manages to break up his mother and father. His mother falls in love with him so he runs away and travels back to the 90s where it turns out that he didn't go time traveling at all. (Laura)

If you watch 12 Angry Men backwards, a group of jurors who are all of a single mind debate whether a particular kid is a murderer. Slowly racism and bigotry take hold of one of the jurors who manages to convince almost every one of the jurors to switch sides until a single stubborn holdout causes a hung jury. (me)

If you watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest backwards, an Indian catches a sink that's been thrown through a window of a nut house and then finds a lobotomized man. They stick his brain back in his head and he helps bring a kid who committed suicide back to life. The inspiration of this man helps unite the other people in the nut house, but soon they lose interest in his antics and he gets largely ignored by people there. Finally he decides he should leave and go to court instead. On the way home from there, he commits a crime. (me)

Try it out for yourself - they're pretty fun!

Zelda's Boomerang

Okay, I just had to post this. After growing up with the good ol' Legend of Zelda, someone came out and showed how his boomerang really should have worked in the real world. Classic. I can just imagine him after the fact. "Well crap. Now what?"

Spare a Dollar?

Here are a few humorous pictures I thought I might pass on. Enjoy!

Hat Trick

For the third post in a row, I'm going to mention zombies. Every red-blooded male considers what might happen in the event of a zombie uprising. It may be a passing thought, or it may be a full-fledged day-dream. But for this guy, it became a massive (and well-thought-out) plan. I can't imagine someone coming up with a better 15-step plan to survive and thrive in the zombie apocalypse.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You William Shatner

I'm not certain if I can give this the proper introduction. It's William Shatner being interviewed by GQ, and that's about all there might be to say.

And in case you're curious, yes, he does in fact request that the interviewer kiss his horse, Mr. Tambourine Man. It's a long read, but filled with hidden gems.

A Decade Too Late?

Ten years after it was set to film, we finally have someone apologizing for the tragedy that is Battlefield Earth. Writer J.D. Shapiro, who blames a large portion of the writing on an overactive libido, even went so far as to say he wish he'd used his pen name, Sir Nick Knack, but sadly he had been paid too much to attach a false name to it.

In all fairness, I cannot rip on the movie too much, as I spared myself from seeing it at any point. I admit I've had a morbid curiosity from time to time, the same morbid curiosity that led me to watch Jack Frost (no, not the Michael Keaton version), but I'll draw the line at any point the writer says

The only time I saw the movie was at the premiere, which was one too many times.

A Better Way to Learn Your ABCs

Lots of folks seem to be having kids these days. I guess it's just getting to that time in our lives. Since you're all getting to that teaching stage, might I suggest a new way to teach the alphabet to the little ones? Just check out how absolutely awesome this alphabet is. "A" isn't just for "apple" anymore. Now it's for "Aztecs in Atomic Armour Attacking Anomalous Amphibians!" Huzzah!

Illustrations and all by Neill Cameron.

Now That's Comic Gold!

Did you know Kermit the Frog is from eastern Europe?
That's right, he's a tad Polish.


Why did Mozart have to get rid of his dogs?
Because they wouldn't stop baching!


A child and a serial killer are walking through the woods at night.
It's dark, and raining, and the trees are casting strange shadows.
The boy looks up at the serial killer and says: "I'm pretty scared Mister".
The serial killer says "You're scared?! I have to walk out of here alone!"


Two peanuts were walking through a park, one was -a salted-.


You guys heard about them corduroy pillows?
No?
Sheesh, you guys need to get out more. They're making headlines.


A horse walks into a bar, bartender looks over and asks -
Why the long face?


How many ears does Capt. Kirk have?
Three, the left ear the right ear and the final front ear.


What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
Both travel around ura-nus and wipe out kling-ons...

Flowcharts Revisited

So on the way out the door to work this morning, Laura and I were arguing about something. And she just wouldn't see my point! I kept trying to explain it and she kept ignoring it and talking about something else. It was infuriating! Then I realized the problem. She must have read my flowcharts below and clearly she was stuck at one particular point.

I would've won the argument too if she fought fair. Hmph...

Flowchart Madness!

After checking out the good ol' standby of the OH SNAP! flowchart, I decided to see what other flowcharts were out there to help me get through life. In my exploration of the internet, I found some very important life lessons. It would be wrong of me not to share them with you all, so here you go. Enjoy!

Women Want Him and Men Want to Be Him

I suppose some men want him too. I mean, I know I do. He's got the muscles, the smile, and, of course, the chin. Who am I talking about? I'll tell you his name. And when I do, with the heavens opening up and singing as I do, you'll understand fully. It's this man...



It's Bruce Campbell.

Star of so many classic films. Star of Burn Notice (sure, he shares time with some other guy, but that's unimportant). He's easily the most accomplished man in the world. Don't pull out names of people who have been in more shows, or more movies. Don't quote for me people who have more awards, or who have achieved wealth or fame beyond. None of them compare.



The man is all class. He is all sex. He is everything to everyone. And don't you try to deny it.

Awesome beyond words?



He's done it.

Evil genius?



He can pull that off too.

Hell, he's such a perfect specimen, he doesn't even need to show you his face for you to know who he is.



And with that, I'll leave you for now, better in the knowledge that what you had long suspected is actually true. Bruce Campbell is, in fact, a god among men. Live better knowing that.