Lessons from Skyrim

It's been a while since I've written about Red, my warrior-turned-sneaky-git-turned-assassin-turned-blacksmith-and-enchanter. She's been traveling around Skyrim killing dragons, saving people, killing people, etc. I swear, this is one f-ed up land. Here are a few things I've learned:

ON MEETING NEW PEOPLE
When I see someone in the distance, unless I'm in a city, my instinct is to drop down, sneak up, and either shoot them with a bow or, if I'm feeling gutsy, slit their throat with a knife. What ever happened to... I don't know... talking to people you just met?

I guess it comes down to learning. Early on in my career, I tried talking to people, but it turned out they were more interested in killing me. I'd walk into a set of ruins, see someone practicing with a sword and try to shout out, "Hey, sorry to interrupt. Would you happen to know where the closest merchants are to here?" And they'd say, "Hurry up and die so I can count your coin!" And I'd say, "Whoa, whoa, it's not that kind of day. We don't need to get into this violent intercourse!" And they'd reply with "You're easier to rob when you're dead!" By this point, all their friends would be joining in, shooting me with their bows, casting black magic on me, and stabbing me with their swords. I'd sigh, take a hint, and kill them all.

It became fairly predictable, so now my first instinct is to shoot someone as soon as I see them. Only every 20th time or so do I make a mistake, but I figure if I'm killing 19 evil people for every one good person, I'm still coming out ahead, right?




ON THE HOUSING MARKET
So anyway, as my career has progressed, I found myself needing someplace to live. I had two barrels in Riverwood that I used to stash all my stuff (I'm quite glad none of the people who lived there stole it all) but that wasn't enough. Soon I found a nice cave with a tanning station, a cooking fire, a sharpening grindstone, and a ton of barrels. So I walked in and asked politely if I could move in. I was rebuked, so rather than seek the next domestic option, I killed the previous owners. I'm glad the real housing market's not like that. Soon enough, I was moved in and living large. Someone even came in and cleared out all the bodies for me one day. Very polite.

Only soon I found out that if I stayed in the cave too long, someone would steal all my stuff. Well crap, I didn't want that to happen. So I explored my options and decided that Solitude was the city for me. I performed a few tasks, and was given permission to purchase a house. I did so, then went and checked it out. It was sparse. So I ditched all of my gear in a barrel the house (I needed as much room to carry stuff from cave to house as I could), went back to purchase some upgrades, then started the long task of carrying all my stuff from my cave to my house.

I got quite a few comments from people about running around naked and why I should not do that. I ignored them. If I put on my armor, it was one less Dragon Bone I could carry each trip!

So I finally got everything moved in a couple hours and went to the barrel to get my stuff. Only the barrel was gone and had been replaced with a houseplant! I lost all of my best armor and weaponry. Fortunately, I had been spending time learning to Smith and Enchant, and managed to recreate my entire wardrobe.


ON BUILDING A STRONG RESUME
Now finally decked out and having my new house, I embarked on several career paths. I visited the mage's college where I continued my education despite the fact that I completed nearly every task they gave me while using only a sword and shield. Evidently they didn't check my work. They just wanted results. So when they saw they re-dead undead guy, they gave me an "A" for Destruction Magic Use rather than looking at him and realizing there were sword cuts all over him and not a sign of magical fire. Through a series of what I consider colossal blunders in their applicant screening process, I managed to rise the ranks until finally I was chosen to be archmage.

Decked out in some new threads (which I promptly put on a mannequin in my home and redonned my dragonscale armor), I decided to explore other options. I joined the Companions, a group of fighters, and due to an unfortunate mishap that claimed the life of their leader, I was given the role of being the new leader with less than a week's membership under my belt.

Next I joined both the theives' and assassin's guilds. It's harder to accomplish these two at the same time because they have very different methods. The assassins want me to kill their targets and the thieves want me to keep their targets alive to be exploited yet again. It leads to rather amusing conversations like one I had at the thieves' guild a few days ago:

THIEVES' GUILD LEADER: "So you need to go and find this guy. He's betraying us!"
RED: "Betraying us? I'll slit his throat for that!"
THIEVES' GUILD LEADER: "Whoa, simmer down there, Red. We don't want to kill him. He'll still be useful later."
RED: "Oh, right."

I'm also evidently learning to become a cannibal, a treasure hunter and a pirate-killer on the side. I checked back over my completed quests yesterday and I'm quite versatile.

Until I realize that each of those quests accounts for, on average, ten people dead. Then I realize I'm a sociopath.




ON THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDS
Having selected, primarily, the assassin track, I have found my jobs are much easier when I'm doing them alone. But in the past few days, my circle of friends has expanded from zero to three.

First, I befriended an undead ghost. Well, maybe "befriended" is too strong a word. I achieved some task and was given the ability to summon him once a day. So really, this guy has no choice but to be my friend. I think he likes me, but he's usually kinda freaky. If I'm the silent sociopath, he's the loud and bragging one.

On the plus side, he makes my looting much easier. I mean, I have no reason to loot anymore - I have more food, ingredients, magical weapons, potions, scrolls, wooden bowls, armor, gems and money than I can possibly need in a lifetime, but I can't help put steal every potato and set of butterfly wings I can find. So when I summon my new friend, he'll go running head-first into a fight while I wander around and pick up apples and grilled leeks until he's killed (again).

My second friend is a horse that came out of a black pit of tar or something. I'm a little hazy on how all this works, but now I have a black horse with red eyes. Very unnatural. I couldn't get the hang of riding a horse and was hoping honestly that its owner would take him back, but she gave him to me instead and now I'm stuck with a horse. I was unhappy until the first time a dragon appeared when I had my horse and the horse ran up and started attacking the dragon. Good on him! I mean, he was severely outclassed, but still. That's some initiative, right?

Had another occasion where I was coming up on a group of folks. I jumped off my horse and crept closer, getting a count and eye on my targets (remember, I don't talk to people first... just kill them). Only before I could get to them, I found that my horse had found them first and was engaged in combat with three bandits. Hilarious to watch!

My third friend was a little unusual. I was wandering around Solitude, headed out for some quests, and then came back to my house and there was a woman sitting in my chair. "You get lost?" she asked demandingly. I was freaked - what was this woman doing in my house?! But then I remembered - my Jarl told me she was assigning me a Housecarl because I was the new Thane (add that to my resume). Now she hangs around my house all day in her armor. I think she secretly wants me to ask her if she wants to join me on a quest. Like the teenager who sits by the telephone in case it rings, she doesn't want to miss that one opportunity. So she sits in my front chair watching the door dressed and ready to go adventuring.




ON MARRIAGE
I did talk to her at one point. It was very odd - she commented on my medallion, and than said she was surprised that I wasn't already taken. I asked her if she was interested in me, and she said that of course she was, then asked if I was interested in her. I exited that embarrassing conversation right quick.

She's not the first person to hit on me. The archer in the Companions also hit on me and asked me to marry her.

Laura (my real-life wife) was watching the game at that point and thought it was hilarious how only women seemed to want my character, who was also a woman. We went back through some of the other characters in the game we had met and decided immediately on who we wanted to marry:

J'zargo.

I mean, that man is the best! He's funny, confident. As J'zargo says, there is much for J'zargo to be confident about. Magical prowess, charm. He's got it all. He is a cat, which would be a little odd with the copulating and the shedding, but I think we could get around that with an open mind.

So I went off to the mages' college to talk to J'zargo. I had already done a lot to help him in the past (reading scrolls to undead and getting burned in the process), and he had joined me several times when dragons attacked the college. Plus I was his superior officer, so I had the whole sexual harassment angle I could pull too. I found him, cornered him, and started talking. "Ah, you are a woman to warm the heart of J'zargo in this cold place," he said. Great intro, right? Only he never gave me the chance to ask him to marry me. J'zargo's too much to be a one-lady man, I guess.